I’m not really sure when the first time that I ever felt any sort of attraction to a man was. If I had to guess, I’d say it was probably around the age of 17 or 18. I went into puberty pretty early, maybe around fourth or fifth grade, and started shaving in the sixth grade. Sure enough, my hormones were there, but I was either too disciplined or too ignorant as to know what to do with them. I would try to masturbate occasionally, but would get bored really easily because nothing would ever happen. The first time I actually climaxed was when I was 17 or 18, which from what I’ve heard sounds ridiculous, especially given my early age at puberty. In high school, I had a steady girlfriend but we never did anything. I attributed this (and still do) to my disciplined morals and never thought it was because I was gay.

It’s around this time that I got curious about males. I had had no locker room fantasies or anything like that in high school, but I just found the female form a little unappealing. Eventually, I found myself online at some forum-like website, perusing around and unsure of what I was doing or what my intentions were. Eventually, I became more and more intrigued and more and more aware of my reactions - physically, psychologically, and sexually. I eventually started talking to an older guy named Kurt who took a keen interest in me. I explained to him that I had no idea what I was feeling and how to cope with it. Our conversations always remained innocent and more like a mentor-ship than anything else. He gave me a few resources, including a link to adam4adam, and told me to relax and try to figure out who I am and what pleases me. People are always on the trail to self-discovery, and at a volatile age where I was just beginning to grasp my sexuality, it was important to take plenty of time to figure out my identity.

Unsurprisingly, I think that the most prevailing emotion in the gay world is a sense of loneliness. We are a culture that is literally considered “sub-par” by legal standards. Gay people face the issue of coming out to themselves, and then coming out to other people. Fortunately, one of the fascinating and inspiring parts about being gay is that I’ve found everyone to be amazingly resilient, at least once they become at peace with themselves. The stereotype is that gay people are running around giving back-stall blowjobs through glory holes, but in between all that, we need to find support from a community that only understands itself. From my outsider’s view of Tumblr, I’ve seen a distinct community that has formed a sort of solidarity. For me, at least, it is this solidarity, this knowing that I am not alone, that is key to pursuing my own life’s happiness. Life is too tough to handle all on your own, especially when the outside world is against you.